Diego, Species Saving Turtle, Retires

Diego fucks. It is just that simple. He fucks more than JFK, Wilt Chamberlain, and Ron Jeremy. 

My man single-handedly saved the Galapagos turtle species. You might be asking yourself “Damn, this guy must fuck. How many kids does he have?”. The answer is 800 kids. Let’s just hope for his sake that he doesn’t have to pay child support.

Trust me, he has a worse pullout game than Karl Malone. The dude’s pullout game is so bad that he can’t pull out of his own driveway.

Also, this remarkable turtle, who we should all be more like, is over 130 years old. And somehow, he can still do it without Viagra.

We can learn a lot from Diego. He is a selfless man. Realizing that the species needed him, he took one for the team and did the right thing. I hope that all of us can have such a positive impact on the world and that we can live such full lives.

Stay classy my friends,

The reincarnated Hugh Hefner

(photo credits: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/12/world/americas/diego-tortoise-sex-drive.html)