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  • Writer's pictureArt Vandelay

Best Names in Sports

Usain Bolt, the 8 time gold medalist and the world record holder of the 100m had his first daughter in May. He revealed pictures and the name of his beautiful baby girl this past week. Her name, Olympia Lightning Bolt. This might be one of the greatest names to ever exist. Hey Elon musk remember how you named your kid after a fucking nunber? Next time do something smart like this. This got me thinking. What are the best names in sports?

Richard Henry Pole, AKA Dick Pole was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and Seatle Mariners in the 1970s. His pitching stats are pretty shit but that's what you get for going by the name dick.

Walter Fabián Assmann, a Goalkeeper for the Aregentinian soccer team and has spent the majority of his playing career in Argentina. He hasn’t done much with his career but saying Assmann over and over never gets old. Assmann would be a super shitty superhero name.

Chief Kickingstallionsims, although this name sounds like it came out of the East west bowl, Chief played college basketball for Alabama State. He went undrafted in the 2009 draft but has continued his basketball career in Greece and Mexico. I dare you to make fun of his name because this dude is a tank at 7’1” and 270 pounds.

Misty Hyman, an Olympic gold medalist and a former world record holder in the 100m butterfly. Her name might sound like a shitty stripper or pornstar name, but she is an Olympic gold medalist so you really can’t fault her for her name.

Rusty Kuntz, A former baseball player for the White Sox, Twins, and Tigers. Today he is a base coach for the Royals. I don’t think I have to dive too deep into this name to get the unfortunate meaning. Remember if you have a Rusty Kuntz please go and see a doctor immediately.

Dick Paradise, A former World Hockey Association player during the 60s and 70s might have the funniest name. Remember ladies if he doesn’t bring you to Dick Paradise its time to find a new man.

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